Back to Habit

Weiii....Gudibak! Gue baca postingan gue yang sebelumnya... and sekarang malah gue yang pusing bow... so I'm back to my gloominess. (Soalnya daripada gue yang pusing, kan mendingan elo yang pusing... ngeheheh. >:] )

By the way, kemaren gue udah kaya' peserta pemburu hantu deh. Kan gue udah mau tidur gitu... trus tiba-tiba aja gue inget makhluk mistis yang bernama Nunu itu! Gue inget pas BM, gue and Nunu kan kabur ke orto, trus pas udah sampe bawah dan mo ngadep dokternya, ternyata Nunu baru inget bahwa data2nya semuanya dia tinggal di BM... jadilah dia naik lagi ke BM dan gue dengan setianya menunggu di orto. 3 menit kemudian hp gue bunyi, dan ternyata itu dari Nunu, yangmana rupanya, dia terjebak di BM karena di dekat pintu banyak dokter2 BM yang mengawasi dengan seksama. Jadilah gue menunggu dengan cemas di orto ('gimana kalo tau-tau ada absen siang?? mampuslah gue...'), tapi entah gimana caranya, 5 menit kemudian Nunu dateng juga di orto, dan kita mulai ngerjain apa yang waktu itu kita kerjain. (..??)

4 menit kemudian ada sms dari Tiwi, yang isinya 'Ryx, absen siang.' Gue dan Nunu langsung ber-'HAAAH???!' and lari2 dengan paniknya ke BM...di tengah perjalanan (pas lagi lari2 maksudnya), sesuatunya Nunu (gue juga lupa apaan) ketinggalan 2 KALI. Yang pertama pas lagi di orto, and yang kedua di koridor depan klinik orto.

Mana pake acara kepleset segala lagi Nununya... >_<; (---> dan reaksi gue waktu itu adalah: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH....!!!!!) ...Sorry, Nu! ;P

Dan disepanjang perjalanan ke BM, sambil lari2, Nunu bilang 'Kok tiba2 ada absen siang sih??', yangmana waktu bilang itu Kak Arnis sedang melintas... jadilah Kak Arnis ikut2an lari2 di belakang gue and Nunu.

TERNYATA! Pas gue dan Nunu masuk dengan paniknya ke BM, Tiwi yang sedang memegang buku absen bilang, 'Ryx, lo belum absen siang nih, kalo Nunu sih udah...'


*Gubraaakkkk!*


Dan pas gue inget itu, gue jadi ketawa2 sendiri gitu... padahal udah merem and udah siap tidur. Tapi setelah gue baca ayat kursi 3 kali, akhirnya bisa juga gue tidur dengan tenang... hehehehe....


(Kepada yang bernama Nunu: 'Yes, I mentioned your name in my blog, so what??' ;P )

Ragged night.

Song: 'Crazy Beat' -- by: Blur


Horrorisme? Wahahahahah... --> Yes, this goes to you, Goody back!

How 'bout now? Better? (If yes, berarti your comment harus lebih bermutu!!) :P About the backgroud yang hitam nan kelam... sorry, can't change it.

Btw, concerning the whole Oryx thing, I've searched the net, AND! It's not a kebo or a kambing, y'know, it's an antelope. What? What do you mean 'what's an antelope?'? It's some sort of a deer, but bigger and it has two long horns (and they're straight, not curvy). 411, antelope is one of them rare species left on earth, so I say it pretty much describes my being... if you know what I mean. ;)

This morning was F**in' hell. Probably you wonder what in the name of Merlin am I doing with such song at 11 PM? I could've listened to something more soothing like Stacey Kent's... Well, I'm torturing myself, that's what's happening. Because this morning is hell, why not end it with an equally stressing hell as well? I'd die happy in fake perfection that way.

What happened was, I'm sick and tired of being nice. It gets you nowhere. I dunno if this is the bitter side of me or the satanism inside me... either way, it stressed me a lot. What's happening now is I'm all alone in my room, torturing myself with crappy songs, my hands are sweating coldly, my head is spinning like one of those vertigos you have a few seconds before you fainted, and I feel like throwing up. But hell, here I am in front of my computer, creating my own room of pain. How joyous a night could be.

It confuses me the way people behave. The ignorance and all that jazz... who the hell do they think they are? Robert DeNiro? (He's not even that good, for Goodness' sake.) Now that I stop, turn around and look back, I realize how I've been trying too hard on everything. I have a serious trouble in adapting, that I aware of, but why trying so hard to fit in if you're born to stand out?

Maybe it's because--whether you realize it or not--being different is a sin to this world we're living in. If there's anything that people could not accept, it'd be diversity, not crime. That's why this time, from the very beginning, I'm no longer trying. Because being fake is tiring.

Old friend, you said the person you thought you knew very well turned out to be the biggest stranger in your life. Yes, at first I went 'How could that be?', but now I can see where your point was, and you were right. I don't know who I am anymore.

But the question is, does that really matter?



And yeah, I should stop here.

This is to you, Goody Back! ;)

Song: 'Symmetry' --by: Mew (<--a very, very inspiring song)

Goody baaack...!! My one and only audience!! Haii..! Kumaha? Kumaha? Sakie cekap hente? Pan anu sabelumna alit pisan cena hurufna... ;) Anyways, sori ya bu, tadi pas prosto gue ga gitu konsen dengerin yang tentang Oryx itu... (abis udah 2 kali insersi masa ga selesai-selesai juga coba!! Jadilah gue panik. Ihiks... T.T) artinya apa? Tadi gue dengernya kebo berkepala dua n tanduknya 10... emang iya?!? Ah, ganti nama ah...

Trus, trus, kenapa hitam backgroundnya, yaa karena hitam itu siapa takut. (jayus ah) No, I mean, karena hitam itu kan elegan warnanya (ciee..), dan biar ada kesan gloomy-gloomy gimanaaa gitu... Emang kenapa? Kok bisa sampai muncul pertanyaan 'kenapa musti item?' gitu? (you didn't think I'd use something like pink, did you?)

Trus tadi sebenernya me juga pengen ngobrol2 gitu, pengen nanya lo udah baca yang mana aja, kok kaga ada commentnya (kasian deh gue..:P), kok ga ada postingan baru in your blog, and so on and so forth...TAPI. Ya itu tadi, karena insersi gue masih bermasalah dari Jum'at kemaren...jadilah gue bersibuk-sibuk ria dengan mikromotor dan akrilik trimmer (thanks ya tadi! Ketemu dimana akrilik trimmernya?) . Makanya... moga2 besok ga dapet giliran... biar bisa ngobrol and kabur ke ortho buat diskusi tm. (Ngahahahah!) I'm getting lazier and lazier or what??

And moga-mogaaa hari Jum'at insersi GTSL I-nya sukses...AMIIIIN.

Pokoknya weekend ini gue mau ke Harco Mas Mango Two!! Mo nyari mp3nya Morissey yang Alma Matters, and DVD konsernya the strokes! (Abis minggu kemaren my uncle visited my house bringing DVD konsernya George Benson! Sapa tau aja DVD konsernya the strokes ada... Juuuules! ;P) Eh tapi kan disuruh nyusul ke Surabaya ya...

Tapi kan belum tentu jadi...

Ya udah, terserah elo, orang elo yang mo pergi.

Tapi, tapi, tapiiii... yah, liat ntar deh. :P Goody back, lo ngasih comment napa? Biar kaga sepi-sepi amat disini bow... He iya, tadi masa pagi-pagi Nunu udah nyuci baju gitu di wastafel klinik prosto. Tadi pas gue liat dia lagi ngucek-ngucek jas kliniknya itu pake deterjen disitu... dan kumatlah elongasi tertawa gue yang everlasting sampe seenggaknya 5 menit kemudian. (WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH.... ---> bahkan sekarang pun terjadi fenomena eksaserbasi akut..) Abisnya, entah jadi victim apa dan dimana, tapi jasnya jadi item separo gitu... udah gitu dipamerin lagi, dateng-dateng langsung 'Ryx, liat deh jas gue...'. Dan reaksi gue adalah....well, udah bisa ditebak bukan? Bukaaaan...

*Yaaawn* Ngantuk... tidur ah. See ya tomorrow, yah, Goody! :)

My worries are proven wrong!

Song: 'Why Do Today What You Can Do Tomorrow?' -- by: Jamie Cullum


Right on, Jamie! :P

Anyways...yeah, as the title said, my worries are proven wrong!!! :D Stupid thing, really... I mean, have you ever been like really worried about something but then it turns out that nothing bad has actually happened? That it's actually you who became a sick paranoid and get over-worried on simply everything--including the nggak penting ones?? And that you feel extremely stupid when you realize it, so stupid that you want to kill yourself for your unforgivable stupidity???

Why do I have to mingle myself into this bunch of crap?

Mia's father said that bravery isn't the absence of fear, but it's knowing and realizing that there's something much more important than the fear itself. (And if there's anything I learned from the clinic, it would be: 'Fear brings you nowhere.' Another easier-to-be-said-than-done material, I know.)

I suppose he's right. A movie called Savage Kids also taught me the same thing.

(Talking about movie, why can't I find Little Voice and Virgin Suicides in them piracy market? Why? Why?? Why??? They're brilliant movies. If you hate them, die.)

But concerning bravery, prakteknya ituuu... susah sekaliii... (to me, at least). I've got too many fears. What had happened, and what's been happening, left some deep scars, really. It's like if you stripped me down emotionally, all you get is anger and pain. I don't know how on earth did I survive these past years with those two stabbing me from inside.

And nobody realizes it. Man, I could make a damn good actress!

Sure the pain and anger brought me to this stage i'm standing on. While girls my age are worried about their boyfriend, I'm worried about my state of internal balance. Call me abnormal if you have to, but how could I move on if I don't even have my very own inner peace? How could I move along if I'm still very, very mad at myself for being so fragile and unstable, and falling too much in love with myself at the same time?

(But then again, if what you call normal is hanging out at the mall and gossiping with your so-called friends about who's dating who and who's cheating who, then I'd rather be abnormal.)

Great pain makes great art, my best friend once told me. What an odd way to soothe a devastated friend, don't you think? Funny how bitterness could heal. I think I've spent the past couple of years with denial, y'know, because I fear the truth. Because the truth is, I don't want any truth. But in the end of the day, when the hypocricy has gone, the truth is what I'm facing and there's just no way out.

...God, give me strength.


Oh well, c'est la vie. I better sleep now.

Cranky me Vs Darth Vader.

Aaaaaalll daaay... along with you in every minutes leeeeft.....
Seems to be an endless conversatioooon.... in any wooooordss....


Ahem.

That's from The Adams' 'Glorious Time' by the way. :) Yes, yes, I know, it's been played over and over and oooover again since the last posting, but hey, there's nothing I can do. It's a great song.

Anyways! Gue kok jadi manic-depressive gitu ya akhir-akhir ini?? Especially today. Tadi pagi me fine-fine aja, tapi menjelang sore, me jadi super cranky gitu! My guess is, it's because of what happened yesterday. Oh yes, that bloody harangue is the culprit!

I was like 'Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. What now?' when *bleep* called me again yesterday, because I knew something bad is coming my way. And my oh my, was I ever so damn right? I tried to avoid it but it was useless. It's coming to my face anyway.

And what's worse is, I think I've indirectly (and accidentally) hurt someone when *bleep* gave me that mad speech. And that's what makes me feel pretty much uneasy. But what's weird is, concerning this someone, it was like old times again! The atmosphere--if there's any-- is so like the old times. (I dunno if I should be happy or alarmed by this..) Ah well... my dear enemy, you'll never make things easier for me, will you? :)

By the way, I watched Star Wars episode III: Revenge of the Sith yesterday, and it was fabulous!!! I looove Anakin Skywalker! (though he joined the dark force..) Me jadi pengen nonton lagi. The lightsabre, Anakin, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin, Padme Amidala, Anakin, Master Yoda, Anakin, Mace Windu, Anakin.... I looove 'em all! :)

What's that? Oh, of course I love you too Artoo! :P

Sayang lanjutannya versi jadul... ga seru ah. Masa Luke-nya isn't any younger than Anakin at all sih?? Tapi, tapi, master Yoda-nya survive! Yaaay! <-- ...apa coba?? :P

I better eat something... Laper! *put on her Yoda mask and Jedi robes*


May the Force be with you, earthlings. ;)

Kindergarten rocks!

Song: 'Glorious Time' -- by: The Adams (<-- stuck in my head since last week!)


*sambil ngemut milky bar*

First of all... TIDAAAAKKK!!!! Not another harangue!!

(For those with standar or pas-pasan vocabulary like me, harangue is a speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue - outang..)

Heran gue... kenapa sih orang semakin dewasa semakin suka merumitkan segala sesuatu?? Yah, meskipun emang rumit, tapi kan seharusnya nggak usah dibikin semakin rumit, ya kan? Ya kan? Ya kan?? I mean, you don't have 9 lives for God's sake! Ihiks... pusing gue... T.T Whatever, ah! I go my own way. I play my own game. If you're in, that's good. If you're not, well who cares?

Me jadi inget that book called 'All I Need To Learn, I've Learned In Kindergarten'. Kalo dipikir-pikir, bener juga ya si author-nya itu... too bad I didn't buy it. (Abis waktu itu, secara ekonomi dan finansial, dompet gue sedang dalam keadaan yang mengenaskan...)


As a kid, we got everything we need to be spiritually happy. Imagination, fantasy, optimism, positive thinking, honesty, and tolerance from others. And as we grew up, we lost them one by one. We became so trapped in this boring routine we dare to call our life. We do what we've been taught to do, we want what we've been taught to want, and we behave the way our elders behave.

And in the end of the day, an ugly parody of ourselves is what we get. It's what we are and what we've became.

Sad isn't it? Makanya gue nggak pernah peduli kalo ada yang bilang gue kayak anak kecil... (ahem,ahem..) I'm keeping whatever it is that survived from my childhood, people! What's so wrong with that?

So what if I like to watch Spongebob??

Haaahhh?? Udah jam 10?!? Mampuslah gue...... gotta go now!

Hidup Spongebob! :P

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Out of topic bentar... today's another laaahzee daaayh!! Seharian cuma baca buku doang... (cuma PL sekali, abis itu sok jadi observer sampe jam 11, abis itu baca buku lagi) not that it's a bad thing though...remembering my so-called target to finish them 3 books piled somewhere someplace...

Bukannya males baca, tapi pas mood lagi tinggi, I always mentok di ritual2 ngga guna (yang mana ritual2 ndak guna ini sebaiknya ndak dibahas. Move on!), and ujung2nya pasti kecapekan, nempel bantal and tewas sampe pagi. Btw, talking about mood yang lagi tinggi, dari minggu kemaren I'm dying to create something artsy... y'know. A painting, a sketch, a chapter, a scene, or even a video! (Abby and Nixie dah jadi victim sebenarnya... tapi kok malah ketagihan ya mereka??)

The ideas' coming like tsunami!

Okay, so it wasn't that extreme. I still got my sanity for Goodness sake. It was more like a wave. No, no, waveS, with an 'S'. Tapi ya itu tadi.... I got stuck on something else, and jadinya nggak tersalurkan deh. But the idea still lingers sih... just wait for the right time, I guess.

(yang nampaknya nggak dateng2... >_<;)


Btw, sebenernya me still ragu...should I continue this thing I'm doing? The whole blogger thing? I mean, that'll be like sharing my thoughts to EVERYONE. The problem is... I don't trust people. (Not very easily, at least)

I don't trust people with my thoughts and notions, because...well, not meaning to be judgemental by saying people are judgemental, but that's the way things are. (Trust me, I know.) I don't name names, but it's true. But in the other hand, it's like the urge to put satanism into the naives, y'know. Constructive destruction, Chuck would say. (Not saying that what I have in mind is misleading, and that people are more naive than I am, but who am I to say? I'm no God, so you'll never know)

Life is good when you have the power to intimidate.

So, I guess I'm continuing this.

---> That's also because the idea of having this blog as my own world and my own creation intrigued me. And seeing those many blogs out there, I say it's obvious that we all love to play God and create things the way we please. And that in a way, we all want to be heard.

(Do we not? )

Interlude.

So.

This is my new house, eh? *look around* A bit dark, but that's fine. Gothic's nice in certain circumstances. Very Burtonesque. (How I love Ichabod!)

Anyway, me tadinya not interested whatso**bleep**ever in making blogs.. (my severe tendency to use crappy words is one of the many reasons, as you can see justnow..) tapi somebody set me up! (you know who you are! Ayo...kepada yang lagi baca, apa ada yang ngerasa guilty-guilty gimanaaa gitu?) :P Yah, jadilah gue disini..

Well, I guess that's it for now. Udah malem..ngantuk. (Mana besok musti bangun pagi2... moga2 ga dapet giliran... soalnya udah siap buku bacaan, Mwahahahahah!)

Adios! (--> artinya byebye kan ya??)