Soundtrack of My (very messy) Life, Lately.

1. Definitely Maybe

So.

I’ve been away for quite some time right? And now that I’m back, supposedly I’d have something new to say, right? Something pleasant—for you who’ve been wishing for me to get ‘cured’—for me to share, right? Well, *in Lemony Snickett’s mode* I am sorry to say, that like always, all I got now is trouble, trouble and more trouble. Crap, crap and more crap. I’m saying this first so that if your life is already a living hell… well, let’s just say you may not want to add the burden.

Unless you’re a masochist.

Hells yeah, people. These past several months, through gritted teeth I’m gladly to say, I’ve been introduced to several new problems. That’d also mean several new dilemmas. Equals to several new hard-to-decide options. Why are they always coming to me, them troubles?? Why?!? It’s like I’m a freakin’ magnet to them crap!

I didn’t even know how it all started, all I know is now I’m tangled, between these… these choices, that I’m not suppose to think about just yet!! (I’m sorry I couldn’t be more specific since some people from the masquerade could’ve just barged in every now and then, and, y’know, figured things out)

But the point is, here I am, compeletely confused, pushed from every directions by every parties in a not-so-good way, to make a damn quick decision about something I had no idea about because it’s really something that I’m not suppose to think about just yet until I really had to!! And to make things worse, up to this very joyful day, they keep breathing down my neck. I mean, why are they so consumed by the culture anyway? It’s my life, my future that’s at stake here, yet they’re the one who were acting like their heads were on freakin’ fire! What’s that all about??

Ah hell, whatever. I just realize how suck it is to be adult. You get to hold the attachable burden commonly known as responsibility. (And soon enough, I forget how it feels to be young)

When you aged, people always expect something out of you. This had happened for ages, so it set the bars in social life. Some called these bars as culture. Some called it tradition whatever. And if you don’t follow them, you’re abnormal. You’re different. You’re wrong.

And from what I’ve learned over the past few years, diversity is the thing that our society could not accept the most. If you’re different, if you’re wrong, they’ll try as hard as they could, by whatever means possible, to fixed you right away. They’ll change you (even if it’s against your will), and make you adapt a little faster than you normally would, so that you wouldn’t be any much different than the rest of them. So they don’t have to worry about anything else after.

Or so they thought.

Well, their filthy claws are nowhere near my skin, and I’ll make sure they’ll never get any closer. To them people who keep breathing down my neck:

‘Ladies and gents, for this time being, all I can say is just hold still and wait. The time will come for me to decide, and until that time I’m keeping my options open. I’m taking my time and chances, and I’m trying my luck on whatever it is I wanted. And there’s nothing you can do to change that. So you could either stress yourself out on something you know you couldn’t rush (which is completely stupid and such a waste of time if you ask me), OR! You could stay away and give me space.

Choose wisely.’ >=]


Oh and, to one unfortunate party unintentionally involved: ‘I say it’s a definitely maybe.’ ;P




Say it now, cause in your heart it’s loud
‘Oh no, my feelings are more important than yours
Drop dead, I don’t care, I won’t worry’
Sweetheart, your feelings are more important of course…

(‘Razorblade’ The Strokes)



2. Where Does The Good Go? (Oh, the Anger!)

Song: ‘Idlewild Blue’ Andre3000


You know… I just learned only recently, that there’re some times, some moment, when you wish you’re ignored. Before now, I don’t believe such moment exists, because who’d want to be neglected? So I thought. But apparently, in my case at least, such moment does exist.

Two weeks ago, I was so in rage. I was depressed at work, I was depressed at home, and my life was a complete mess. I was a true vengeance I could’ve choked a friend had he rubbed me wrong. I was that angry.

And somehow, when my life is so f*ckin’ messed up it could use some help from Dalai Lama, somehow, people tend to get nosier. And unlucky for me, I always have to meet one of these nosy people everyday. (I don’t care if you read this you dimwit know-it-all! BRING IT ON!)

Here’s how the mad circle goes:

They want to know. They demand explanation. If they don’t get your answer, they’ll argue. Then they’ll demand more explanation. Knowing that you respond, they thought you like the arguing game, without knowing that all you want to do is shot them right in the head. Then without you asking, they’ll give you their opinions, which if you disagree, they’ll insist until they die. And if you do agree, they’ll give you more opinions until they die. And so on and so forth.

Have I mentioned that I always have to meet one of them nosy people every single day? Talking about being unfortunate... it often happens, y’know. If I got stuck into that mad circle, most of the time, the line ‘look man, can I just get a gun and shot your mouth and just get this over with? My day is awful enough without you interfering.’ is ready to make their way out of my mouth. But of course, my old soul always keeps me from really saying it, hence the buried rage.

Two weeks ago, the mounting rage exploded. I was in a very sloppy mood, and this nosy person start questioning me. That was obviously a very wrong thing to do, because the rage had reached its peak and I was nowhere near stopping it from spitting their way out. It’s about time.

‘It’s none of your business damn it! Not everything in my life needs your opinion! I don’t have to explain anything to you! Reality check honey, you’re not the only one with ego here! Why do you always want to know anyway? Because in case you didn’t realize, it has nothing to do with you! I don’t know how it is usually with you and the people around you, maybe you always win, maybe you’re always right, but that’s not how it works with me. With me, you don’t always win. With me, you’re not always right. Deal with it!’


Well… the nosy people (finally) got them lesson.

To the nosy person: ‘Sorry you have to learn it the hard way.’




I don’t think I’ll ever be sorry
No I’m not sorry for the thing I’ve done
And I don’t think I’ll ever wake up lonely
‘Cause having you around wasn’t all that special

(‘I’m a Terrible Person’ Rooney)




3. Walk With Me, Oryx.

I need a teacher so bad, so talk to me.

Tell me Oryx, should I kill you? Or should I just put you in freeze for a month or two? Because lately, I’m so fed up with my work. The requirements, the stress, the targets, the burden and all that crap… I had enough.

2 years ago, the thing that always supported me, the thing that always gave me a little bit of hope every single morning, was a single line from a single TV drama. It was Grey’s Anatomy 1st episode. In the end of their 1st 24-hours shift, George asked Meredith vaguely, ‘We’re going to survive this right?’ --> this line alone, along with the discussion I had with my friends who were also in the same sinking ship, always gave me strength to make it through the day.

Now that 2 years have passed, that line alone could no longer help. As I’ve mentioned before in my earlier postings, I was so devastated. I was a walking cadaver because of the stress, and I even wished for my own death every single morning. How sick is that??

Teach me how to breathe, teach me how to live. Be my teacher. Stay with me.

I don’t know if this is the clarity I’ve been waiting for or not, but lately, the thing that makes me get up fast in the morning is this: ‘I want to get out of here. I had enough. I hate this place where I’m working. I want to get out so bad I have to study hard. I want to get out of here as fast as I could!’ --> ain’t that a kick in the head??? I mean, lately I really want to study, and it’s not because I’m about to have an exam or something! I really want to know what the hell is going on, and I’m talking microbiology crap here!

And then suddenly, all this good-girl stuff that I used to carry when I was in elementary school started popping up in my head every now and then. All of a sudden, I have this… this plan ahead of me, a plan for me to get healthy, for me to get better, and all that jazz. ‘Get up and go!’ so the little girl’s voice will echo in the back of my head.

I want to do this. I want to study, finish whatever it is that needs to be finished, and just get out of this place! I want to follow the plan. But I got the feeling that if I want to do the plan right, I have to put my alter ego aside... and this is where the name Oryx comes into the picture.

Hold my hand and run with me. Cry with me. Laugh with me. Smile and breathe with me.

Don’t die.

Not without me

*sigh* I don’t know what I’m doing, but this time I need your help. So what do you say, Oryx?



This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok follow your heart
You're in harms way I'm right behind
Now say you're mine
You've got the music in you

(‘You Get What You Give’ New Radicals)



4. The Closure

Song: ‘Natural’s Not In It’ Gang of Four

Okay, here’s where I end my ramblings so you could all praise the Lord now.

I’m gonna talk about real-life movie soundtrack now. It’s a cheesy material so it shouldn’t take long. You know what soundtrack I’ve been dying to get? It’s Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette’s soundtrack! (I love Sofia Coppola) I’ve checked it on Amazon.com, and this song I’m listening to right now is one of my favorite songs in the album. Disc 1 would be my favorite since the tracks are much cooler than those in Disc 2.

Only, there’s something that’s bugging me… the scene when Marie Antoinette was having it with her love-affair (who was it, Fergen?), wasn’t it The Strokes’ ‘Red Light’ as the background song? How come it’s not included in the album?

Well… if it wasn’t ‘Red Light’, then it sure sounds like it. (I love The Strokes’ ‘Red Light’)

Right, I better wrap things up.

How come suddenly I’m in the mood for some oldies? Ah well…

Jazz me out of here, Sir Armstrong!



Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose
And when you speak, angels sing from above
Everyday words seem, to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rooooohse… … …

(‘La Vie en Rose’ Louis Armstrong)