Chapter 3 (About you. And me. And love).
Yeah. This is the 3rd chapter of my life.
I don't have many chapters in my life so far, just so you know. But right now, it's chapter number 3. And it's as boring as hell, as complicated as mom's rambling when she's upset, and as nonsense as whatever. I'm telling you this now so you could just leave if you have something else better to do. Leave. Don't read what I wrote, just go. You're about to waste your time.
This chapter of my life began with a HUGE dissappointement over a book called Half-Blood-Prince...which is a complete rubbish after the previous 5 books. (Yes, if you're an avid reader then you'd know what book I'm talking about. If not, just die). What concerned me was... it even affected my REAL life! I lose the mood in everything I do. It was a bungee jumping without a saving rope attached to both of my legs. Why is that?, I asked myself. But of course, I already know why. Growing up with the characters, I became so deeply involved with them. It surprised me how I could get emotional like that just because of a darn fiction! That only shows the true dreamer and believer in me, but again, like I didn't know that.
None of the people whom I meet in my real life shares the same passion on the book and whatever inside it. It's kind of depressing when you need to discuss something but there's nobody you could discuss it with. I was kind of freaked out. Mourning all day and all that... some people couldn't even believe what actually caused my PMS-like syndrome. They'd call me nuts, or freak, or geek, or whatever... like I care. They just don't understand. To them people: 'If you don't speak my language, then shut up is what you need to do.'
It still bugs me. I could only hope that the last of the series won't be as awful and trashy and unnatural and forced like HBP. If it is... I am so going to bomb Jo's house. (Or whatever destructive enough).
Then comes the perverts issues. Like fergie said, I lied and lied 'til there's no turning back. I lied and lied 'til I don't know who I am. (I love that song). The problem is, I'm sick. I'm so sick that nobody could save me, not even myself. I couldn't pull it together sometimes that I create a problem AND get depressed because of it AND won't let people help me by assuming that no one can. Then I'd pretend everthing's fine. I'd smile and everyone would think I'm fine and happy.
Sometimes it could go really bad. I remember those many mornings, I woke up and the first line that sprung in my head was 'I wanna die'. Then after that I took shower and went to campus, and guess what line that was echoing in my ears when I walked toward the place where I worked? Again, 'I wanna die'. And that's it. When I entered the room, all of a sudden I became this cheery, smiley, happy girl who greets. That's sick. That girl stayed with me until I went to bed, but in the next morning the line came again.
The problem is, I'm such a severe introvert who trusts nobody. And guess what? I choose to be one. Why? I have no idea. Am I telling you anything by writing this? I'm not answering that. Don't read what I wrote. Read what I didn't write, then you'll get my point.
What concerned me--and I've been watching over myself for this--is that I have an imbalance, drastic emotional changes. Seriously, I'm not making things up. I could cry with no reason at one time, then laughed very hard in the next minute. This is what I called self-observation. (Yeah, I could be an extreme narcissist when i needed to be one. 'Stop classifying me! Don't put me in one of your boxes of personality! I'm not this or that or whatever. I'm whatever I want to be in my own world. I'm free and I'm staying that way!' )
I lost track. But then I thought, y'know, it's a bad thing to wish for your own death every single morning. I am disturbed, I know, but I still got brain for God's sake. And death isn't what I want either, to be frank. So I changed it into 'I want to be happy'. It worked pretty well though. I want to be happy, I want to be happy, I want to be happy.
Merope is a nice name. But still, HBP sucks big time.
Then.... here comes what Lena said in the Pants sisterhood thing. That was excatly it, it's what I've been looking for and questioned for a long time. I'm really ashamed... yeah, there's a lot of people around me who loses what they held very dear, yet they're still open to love. Me, I lost nothing, yet when aphrodite's around I instantly build this wall around me for no one to enter.
One was there, and gave me everything, and waited, and waited, and patiently waited outside the wall. And I said, 'you could either rot out there or you could just leave and get a life'. Then I locked myself inside the wall and threw the key away. One is still out there, and I still don't care and look at another view through another window instead. Whatever, I'm bad with analogy. And love is too young to know what conscience is.
I'm definitely not a proper human being. Lately I wished for things, and miraculously, I always get what I want. But when it happens, I don't know what I've to do about it. And what usually happens is, I end up ignoring it and let it pass away just like that. I hate myself when I get stupid like that... AAaaaagh!! I wanna d-- I mean, I wanna be happy!!
Well, that concludes it, doesn't it? I haven't found what I've been searching for.
My blogger name is Oryx, and this is the 3rd chapter of my life.
I don't have many chapters in my life so far, just so you know. But right now, it's chapter number 3. And it's as boring as hell, as complicated as mom's rambling when she's upset, and as nonsense as whatever. I'm telling you this now so you could just leave if you have something else better to do. Leave. Don't read what I wrote, just go. You're about to waste your time.
This chapter of my life began with a HUGE dissappointement over a book called Half-Blood-Prince...which is a complete rubbish after the previous 5 books. (Yes, if you're an avid reader then you'd know what book I'm talking about. If not, just die). What concerned me was... it even affected my REAL life! I lose the mood in everything I do. It was a bungee jumping without a saving rope attached to both of my legs. Why is that?, I asked myself. But of course, I already know why. Growing up with the characters, I became so deeply involved with them. It surprised me how I could get emotional like that just because of a darn fiction! That only shows the true dreamer and believer in me, but again, like I didn't know that.
None of the people whom I meet in my real life shares the same passion on the book and whatever inside it. It's kind of depressing when you need to discuss something but there's nobody you could discuss it with. I was kind of freaked out. Mourning all day and all that... some people couldn't even believe what actually caused my PMS-like syndrome. They'd call me nuts, or freak, or geek, or whatever... like I care. They just don't understand. To them people: 'If you don't speak my language, then shut up is what you need to do.'
It still bugs me. I could only hope that the last of the series won't be as awful and trashy and unnatural and forced like HBP. If it is... I am so going to bomb Jo's house. (Or whatever destructive enough).
Then comes the perverts issues. Like fergie said, I lied and lied 'til there's no turning back. I lied and lied 'til I don't know who I am. (I love that song). The problem is, I'm sick. I'm so sick that nobody could save me, not even myself. I couldn't pull it together sometimes that I create a problem AND get depressed because of it AND won't let people help me by assuming that no one can. Then I'd pretend everthing's fine. I'd smile and everyone would think I'm fine and happy.
Sometimes it could go really bad. I remember those many mornings, I woke up and the first line that sprung in my head was 'I wanna die'. Then after that I took shower and went to campus, and guess what line that was echoing in my ears when I walked toward the place where I worked? Again, 'I wanna die'. And that's it. When I entered the room, all of a sudden I became this cheery, smiley, happy girl who greets. That's sick. That girl stayed with me until I went to bed, but in the next morning the line came again.
The problem is, I'm such a severe introvert who trusts nobody. And guess what? I choose to be one. Why? I have no idea. Am I telling you anything by writing this? I'm not answering that. Don't read what I wrote. Read what I didn't write, then you'll get my point.
What concerned me--and I've been watching over myself for this--is that I have an imbalance, drastic emotional changes. Seriously, I'm not making things up. I could cry with no reason at one time, then laughed very hard in the next minute. This is what I called self-observation. (Yeah, I could be an extreme narcissist when i needed to be one. 'Stop classifying me! Don't put me in one of your boxes of personality! I'm not this or that or whatever. I'm whatever I want to be in my own world. I'm free and I'm staying that way!' )
I lost track. But then I thought, y'know, it's a bad thing to wish for your own death every single morning. I am disturbed, I know, but I still got brain for God's sake. And death isn't what I want either, to be frank. So I changed it into 'I want to be happy'. It worked pretty well though. I want to be happy, I want to be happy, I want to be happy.
Merope is a nice name. But still, HBP sucks big time.
Then.... here comes what Lena said in the Pants sisterhood thing. That was excatly it, it's what I've been looking for and questioned for a long time. I'm really ashamed... yeah, there's a lot of people around me who loses what they held very dear, yet they're still open to love. Me, I lost nothing, yet when aphrodite's around I instantly build this wall around me for no one to enter.
One was there, and gave me everything, and waited, and waited, and patiently waited outside the wall. And I said, 'you could either rot out there or you could just leave and get a life'. Then I locked myself inside the wall and threw the key away. One is still out there, and I still don't care and look at another view through another window instead. Whatever, I'm bad with analogy. And love is too young to know what conscience is.
I'm definitely not a proper human being. Lately I wished for things, and miraculously, I always get what I want. But when it happens, I don't know what I've to do about it. And what usually happens is, I end up ignoring it and let it pass away just like that. I hate myself when I get stupid like that... AAaaaagh!! I wanna d-- I mean, I wanna be happy!!
Well, that concludes it, doesn't it? I haven't found what I've been searching for.
My blogger name is Oryx, and this is the 3rd chapter of my life.
posted by Oryx at 12:31 AM
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