Life's A Bitch,

...it made me die.


(Oh yeah. A fine song by Shooter--which reminds me of Depp's movie Secret Window, really--that had helped me survive yet another sick, suicidal day (In the morning, it's no longer 'I wanna die', but it's 'Life's a bitch' now. What a progress, eh?). The other is the one that goes 'God damn right, it's a beautiful day, u-huh' song (what's better that sarcasm?), and lately, Eminem's Mockingbird.)


(What? it sounds pretty evoking... the man's gonna choke the damn bird if it doesn't sing for his daughter. I mean... *in a mocking tone* ...It's loooohve.)


Well, sympathy sells, just like sex does. Looking at those mushrooming reality show, it should've been obvious that it's very easy to make something go large in this cursed country. Just make it a trend, and it'll grow big. Reality show, local movies, local books (Chicklits, teenlits... By God. The truth is often bitter).. those are the real-happening examples, kids. I'm not talking about the quality here, but as to the quantity... my, my, aren't they mounting? People are racing to chase whatever it is they think is worth enough to be chased. Fame? Money? God knows.

My point being, our society LOVES trends. And the industry knows how to use this fact to make their tummy grows even larger with greed. AND, our society blankly agreed to be extorted, by consuming those rubbish the industry produced without thinking about its quality! (Whoever read chicklits, watch the chicklits that are made into movies, and buy its soundtracks... well, it's not your fault that you don't know if you're being brainwashed) Seeing this fact, could you now blame me for repeatedly saying that our society is completely stupid?


Now you're getting somewhere.


SO!


I've been reading my old materials... and my o my, weren't I a very angry young lady? *chuckled* How young heart run free...yeah, those were the days when I shouted to everyone, 'Don't try to fix me, you idiot, I'm not broken!' , before I finally knew better. I still am angry, don't get it wrong, but I've handled it better. Adrenaline's good if you know how to use it. :)


Jeffrey Eugenides (what a rhyme to sianide...) said in his book, that a child is actually just a stranger you agree to live with. Stunning how this line caught my eyes, considering what happened to me lately.


It's amazing and it's weird. I eventually learned something about the people around me, and this time, among all odds, it's my mother. It's mom. The very person I've seen everyday my whole life is the very person about whom I learned a lot lately.

See, yesterday I got up, and I suddenly realized how much a stranger she is. And how much a stranger she always have been. It's just so wrong... she's my mother, so she's suppose to be my save hospital, a save place for me to go whenever I got hurt. But she's not, and that's just wrong.

I won't blame her, every human could make mistake. So she's not exactly Lorelai, I really shouldn't blame her. So she's not really trying to reach out, I... well, I guess there's time when she really planned it... but y'know, things happen.

I don't know. It weirds me out to figure things out and independently learn about mom. I thought I knew her. Like hell I don't... just like she doesn't know me. And again, this is just so damn wrong.

I learned that, okay, so maybe mom is more like Emily than Lorelai. So mom is kind of open to certain logical, world-ish kind of issue, but she's not exactly easy with the opening. She doesn't reach out, so I'm the one who should. Instead of waiting for her to come and hug me and ask 'are you okay?', it's me who should come to her room, sit in front of her, hold her hands and say, 'Mom, I'm not happy. What should I do?'

God, even writing this makes me close to tears. If there's anything I should avoid now, it'll be Corrine May's song Fly Away.

There's a lot of emotions and hidden part of me and my conscious that I haven't related to and understood yet. I really have to dig deep into myself. I think I'm very blessed to understand all this. While waiting for my teacher to come, I learned new things by myself everyday now... things that really matters. My life finally begin to be meaningful, and I hope it doesn't stop here. This time I won't rush. I know I still got plenty of time ahead (lucky me to realize all this before my hair turns white!)... so, I'm taking my time.


I love my mother. I'd get really angry at her and put out all the cursings possible and made myself an enormous sin to deal with...but in the end, I'll always know that I love my mother. And that in a way that I could not understand, she loves me too. And I really thank God for that.