My Old Professor.

Hai Haii.... I'm back! (In a rather cheesy way, but what the heck.)

Seneng deh ada yang comment 4 orang, tapi setelah gue buka, ternyata....!!! Yang beneran reply cuma GoodyBack doang... yang laennya iklan. I dunno about the Blah Brain though... (Hi there Blah Brain! Oh ignore those perverts. There's no such thing as the next Harry Potter book being passed around the net. Have you no idea that Jo has hired cave trolls to guard her room? GoF movie is awesome by the way.)

Yeah, where was I? Ah yes.... Gooody! Memang hanya dirimu yang peduli dengan diriku dan blog-ku yang acakadul ini... Makhluk mistik pun nampaknya sudah tak minat dengan acara blog2an... He iya, masa waktu itu Nunu pernah cerita kalo dia punya kebiasaan memamah biak... jadi kalo abis makan trus nonton tv, tau2 makanan yang udah di lambung naik lagi ke mulutnya dan masih berupa nasi......!!!!! Saluran pencernaan yang aneh.... (Udah gitu dia memberitahukan aib ini kepadaku saat gue lagi makan pula! Dasar...)


*Turning on 'Wild Horses' by Alicia Keys and Adam Levine*


Ah... the mood has changed. Oryx's skin is creepin' out of me, and she took me back to 4 days ago.

So here I am, bored to death and being kind of suicidal (grannies' grave, Tuesdays With Morrie, Virgin Suicide... go figure.), and I stumbled myself rather intentionally over a CD store, and spoiled myself with Alicia Key's Unplugged CD. The songs are so raw, and that's why I like it. My personal favorite would be 'Wild Horses'... there's something awakening about this song. It awakens me in a way I could not describe. At first I thought it was really boring... (and Adam's voice couldn't be more gay-ish), but then... 2nd listen and fell in love with this song. Completely.
'Wild Horses'... how we are so alike to some people who knows.

I always adore awakening songs like this. Like I've said sooo many times before, I never am a complete being (yet I'm too much to handle for some people who doens't evolve)... and reading Morrie, (F**k, Mitch, you lucky bastard.) I need and I WANT a teacher so bad. I need my old professor to answer all these mad questions inside my head. Someone who's stupid enough to choose teaching as a career in 21st century, but someone who's smart enough to be able to affect eternity (because, really, can you tell where a teacher's influence stops?).

But where can I find my old professor?


Nobody I know seems wise enough. They grew up in a culture that values nothing but materials. They teach me nothing but 2: things I don't need and things that I already know. Stupid society. How am I suppose to survive, Morrie? Honestly, I cannot handle this alone. Sometimes I wonder if I've walked too far from where I should be... because how come not many people my age could connect with me when I speak this or that? It's been going on so long --since I was in highschool perhaps -- that I've lost my trust on people. People in any kind of age. I no longer imitate like most adolesence do, because adults are stupid, most of them.

They could not give me answers. When I asked, what they did was trying to read my mind and figure out whether I'm still psychologically healthy or not. It worries them that I'm different, and they're trying to direct me into someone that I'm not, and it pissed me off really. I am what I am and I can't see what the hell is so wrong with being completely incomplete? It disgusted me to realize that I want what I've been taught to want. By God, I've been an ugly puppet parody of myself for so many years!


One could choose the pretty fairytale land and be a big fake liar forever if they wish, but I don't want that. I don't blame them for being so shallow... the world is big, the money held power to control people, and they are just human. I won't deny that, yet I want more. Why can't people see that there's more than what they held very dear?

Really, Morrie, have I gone too far? If I have, then how come you could keep up? If people are so inspired by you, Morrie, that means deep in each and one of them, they too are longing to be free, don't you think? They too want to see life the way you did. So serene and peaceful... nothing in the world could take that away from you. Even when you died, you lived.

Only a few pages of your story, only a few lines from you, Morrie, and I've learned a lot already. In some chpaters, I've been where you've been even when I'm still in my early 20s. I understand exactly what you're saying about tension... I called it two way monologue but they're the same thing. But as I read on... Goodness, Morrie, how I want you to be my teacher. How could you possibly know so much? It seems like you have all the answers.

The song 'The Very Thought of You' will never sound the same again to me now, Morrie.


*Sigh*

Oh yeah, I was that close to losing my sanity, people. Every single hour, every little piece of me dies inside. Believe it or not, GoodyBack, I've written this on a piece of paper:

Dear GoodyBack,

What do you do when you're no longer entertained by all means existed on earth? When you go completely numb? When nothing's fun anymore?

Oryx

Ps. Don't get fooled by normal smile, and write it down please, for verbal lines work not for me.

...in a red ink as well. I was desperate for help since my suicidal tendency had reached its peak. Seriously.

But somehow... here I am. Morrie had taught me how life worth everything, if you know how to rub it the right way. (There. Another sick soul saved by Morrie.) Well... I'm not that smart yet to know all the answers, but one day I will be. I would've been dying by then, but at that time I will know better that being late doesn't matter anymore. Being hurt won't kill anymore. And that it's okay to be the imperfect being that I really am.


Until that day, I'll just have to be alive and find myself a good teacher.



(To Morrie Schwartz and Mitch Albom, thank you for everything.)