My Masquerade.

Welcome to the fallout, welcome to resistance
The tension is here, tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here.

I dare you to move.

(Swithcfoot)


(Damn, I love that song)



SO! Here I am again. I've been dying to pirate My Chemical Romance's 'Helena' and Marion Raven's 'The End of Me'... two very nice songs they are. (Oh, and also Coldplay's 'Speed of Sound'... ;P) Tapi mana sempaaat! Tugas2 begitu menumpuk... musti ini, musti itu... tapi ujung-ujungnya gue disini juga. Hehehe...

Days ago buku angkatan akhirnya dibagikan juga. Being an egocentric, I immediately flipped it open to where my identity is revealed. I read the testimonial thing, and I was like '...What is this sh*t? Who the f*** wrote this?' but then in the next two seconds I went '...Oh wait a minute, whoever wrote this was right.' ;P

My fault. I didn't --and never will, actually--reveal who I am truly in front of them, so of course that's what they'd wrote. The nice, heart-warming superficial me that they know and like, technically. (Things like this (superficiality), I already understood, very perfectly. There are limits and stuff, commonly known as social manners, our ancestors stupidly invented them, there goes our youth and freedom, yada yada yada. I've been there. So...bygones.)

I say, if I am whom I've been hiding all these years, I don't think I'll have a friend. Only fucked up people would befriend me. (Oh screw the * thing.) But then again, brilliant people are fucked up people. It's true! Just ask Van Gogh and Billie Holiday. ;P No really. I've been watching my friends. There's one that is cold from the outside, but actually warm in the inside, y'know what I mean? It's a good person trying to look bad--and failed, I'm sorry to say. (You're just too nice, sistah! :P I don't name names.) Maybe I'm being a know-it-all, maybe she's also wearing a mask like I am, maybe she's even a better actress than I am, I dunno. But in my case, it's a pure evil trying to look good, and succeed! I leashed out the evil and let her consumed me in certain times. It scares me sometimes...

...OR. Maybe I'm just seeking for excuses for my oddities--which I love. Even a drag queen knows her gender better than I know myself.

Anyways.

NYUNYUUUUH...!!!! Akhirnya ada postingan baru juga. (Sial! Postingan dia tetep lebih panjang dari postingan gue!!) Hehehe... keep it coming yah bu Nyu! Btw, ternyata dikau ada bakat menulis syair juga rupanya ya?? ;P Btw lagi, gue mau nyontek elo ah... bikin list the things I like. Hehehe...

Things I like:
1. Kalo gue lagi jalan di tempat parkir motor di depan PKM dan tiba2 daun2 berguguran kayak autumn yang di film2... romantis! ;P (Asal kaga ada ulet bulu yang ikut berjatuhan aja....)
2. Pergi jalan-jalan ke dufan, puncak atau Bogor di saat orang2 sedang sibuk sekolah, kuliah dan ujian.
3. Perjalanan pulang kampung atau ke luar kota bersama orang2 yang gue suka (dan yang ga banyak omong, soalnya merusak suara lagu!), dimana gue duduk di kursi deket jendela di mobil sambil dengerin lagu yang gue suka.
4. Ngeliat gunung yang berkabut, yang udaranya dingin dan sejuuuk banget... sampe ada asap keluar dari mulut gue pas gue nafas.
5. Dapet seat yang enak banget pas beli tiket film yang gue pengen banget nonton.
6. Pop corn with lots and lots of butter.
7. Kucing yang lucuuu... (dan yang nggak jual mahal kayak kucing2 di RSUT!)
8. Pergi ke pantai yang bersih sore-sore, ngerendem kaki di antara deburan ombak (Cieee...), trus ngeliat jauh ke samudra. Gue pernah mengalami ini pas SD di Bali, serasa dimakan oleh alam deh... gue ngerasa keciiil banget.
9. Bisa pergi ke tempat yang luas, sepi, rindang dan sejuk dengan angin yang sepoi-sepoi, dan menggambar dengan tenang dan damai... hehehe.
10. Kalo bangun pas shalat subuh dan tau abis itu gue bisa tidur lagi sampe siang karena hari itu adalah hari libur.
11. Dapet mimpi yang waaah keren... ;P The best dream I've ever had: Malem2, langit biru gelap, gue lagi ngeliat bintang, tiba2 di langit yang biru gelap itu muncul a constellation berbentuk Pegasus! Very, VERY beautiful! Besar and bercahaya banget! Di mimpi itu gue ngerasa keciiil banget. Ternyata alam semesta itu begitu besaaar....
12. If the dreams came true. ;P


Gotta go! Siapa tau tonite my beautiful constellation muncul lagi... hehehe. Hopefully.

Bottomless (Wishing) Well.

Yuhuuuuiii..... I'm back.

SO! There's a LOT of things that had happened to me in these past 22 days, a LOT I tells yah. I don't even know where to start but bear with me, no matter how acakadul it'd be, well... I'm trying. :P

First, amazing things happened during my days at Tangerang General Hospital (Rumah Sakit Umum Tangerang, for you who'd rather read things in Indonesian. RSUT, for you who'd rather to call it that way :P). BUT! If there's anything that deserves the tag 'headline' during my stay there, it'll be...*in Spongebob-in-awe mode* ...the action of the Maaagic Hook!

Hells yeah. Imagine a small hook (but not small enough to be used as a fork-replacement) being jabbed into your mouth,being pushed up into your cheek, and the end of it came out right next to one of your eye. Shiver shiver, I know. Well... that was quite a show. Pretty dramatic too if you asked me, since the patients were like screaming God's name beneath the brutality. Why didn't I record that? Damn.


Second, 2 days ago was mom's birthday. Except the fact that I forgot to make my very own greeting card for mom's gift due to my sleepiness, nothing much happened that day. We ate pizza, we burped like barbarians, then we went home and snored. Nothing that much of a story really...

Okay, so I avoid a thing, which is our third issue.

Third, tonite (or last nite, rather) is like... I dunno, it's like I'm being pulled by two poles. In these past two weeks, when I wasn't in touch with the time, I was completely in a different world. I marched to the beat of a different song and it scares me how it could happen so fast. I was like, 'My Giddy aunt, have I been living in denial in these past 5 years??!' It was very easy and it was quite fun. I need no adaptation whatsoever. (Well, maybe because it's an easy, light thing... y'know, while in these 5 mothaf*in years I've been living in hell, torturing myself everyday AND--to my nightmare--loving it.)

I was like, 'Oh crap, where the hell did the true rocker in me go??!' because I start listening to things that the other side of me would think as a truly cheap music that only be listened by airheads! But now that I'm in touch with the time again, things flipped 180 degree. It confuses me, but it gives me much to think about, and much to write about really. I don't wanna hurt anyone, including myself, but I know that'd be impossible... because I've put myself in a place where there's no way out that doesn't hurt.

And due to my ego, I know I'd sacrifice anyone but myself.

Hate me if you must, I'm just trying to be honest and fair. People don't deserve the truth about me, but time does. There's just too many things to talk about. It be a neverending questions and thoughts, since I've learned that I'll never ever found them answers. It'd be like a bottomless well. I'll never found a ground for me to stand on.


I don't know in which world I want to live in. I don't want to lose them both. I don't want to choose. Not wanting to to choose IS a choice, right?


Time for me to sleep.



Ps. Nyunyuuu.... niat nge-blog ga sih? Kenapa ga ada postingan baru coba??

Pps. Gudibak! Cieeeh.... sampe segitunya-kah? Hehehe...

Ppps. 'Manuuusiaaa juga rockeeer, rasaaa punyaaa hati punyaaa...' (Gahar, gahar dah...)

Malesnyaaaa.................

Song: 'Jamaica's Away' -- by: Souljah feat. Hendrix (Yeah, gw lagi butuh lagu penenang jiwa...)


(Good job, btw, Souljah people. Keep doin' music.)



AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH................ !!!!!!! Am a bloody walking cadaver today!!!


Kesel kesel kesel!! Pokoknya sebeeellll...!!! Cuz I'm so freakin' lazy today, and I hate myself for that! Maybe it's because I've got too much expectation on today, y'know, that it'll be oh sooo much fun, but it turns out that it's not. At all. Whatsof**inever.

It turns my mood to zero. I didn't even heat Melody up! Poor her... (We're gonna rock the road tomorrow, sweetness! Worry not.)

I feel like doing nothing worthy, y'know, so here I am. :P (But I'll do something worthy... later, when I got the mood. Hey, you can't tell an artist when to create the masterpiece!)


Btw, I've been dying to pick one of those many makhluk lucu yang bertebaran disekitar rumah gue. I want it so bad, a kitten. Though my mom would definitely kill me for getting one of them, but sheeesh, I want it so baaad! Like that little supercute kitten at Carrefour... I want it I want it I want it!!!! Bahkan gue sempat berniat mo nyulik one of my neighbour's kittens gitu... tapi kan tu kucing ntar-ntarnya bakal jalan-jalan ke rumah tetangga gue itu juga... daripada merusak citra diri gue (PERHATIAN! Warga RT 07 yang bernama Oryx ternyata suka nyolong kucing tetangga. Beware of her!!) , mendingan ga jadi deh.

I want a kitten so bad cuz, well, kitten is the cutest creature! Plus, I suppose I need a friend yang ga cerewet kali yaa... a cute, warm little friend who'd just listen and don't talk back and won't spoil away my secrets. Somebody, gimme a kitten!!!


...Where's my cursed Prozac when I need them?


Winaaa! Lo ngapain sih pake rahasia-rahasiaan segala?? Emang ada apaan di pertengahan Juni/Juli?

To Gudibak (again) and Nunu

Song: 'The Best Is Yet To Come' -- by: Stacey Kent (--> I luuuuurve this one!)





Gudibak! Deeuu... yang baru ganti nama and ganti kulit. Hehehe... the background's better now. Mana nih postingan Mimpi-nya?? Btw, pegimane? Sukses kaga bikin link-nya? Kalo kaga: click Template --> Edit current --> scroll down ke bawah sampe lo nemu yang ada tulisan 'Edit Me'-nya, trus lo ganti alamatnya ke alamat link yang lo pengenin. Easy ain't it?

NUNUUUU...!! (Ladies and gents, this is the famous mystical creature that we've been talking about..) Yaaay! Akhirnya... ketularan bikin blog juga dikau. Ngahahahah! >=] Posting yang banyak yah! Especially the cynical ones... ;P


Alright, enough about them.


I had a good day today, 'cuz finally... me dapet ACC kontrol 1!!!!! Hurrraaay!!! \(^o^)/ *jingkrak2 on the bed* Yah, meskipun tadi gue diomelin gara2 belum bayar GTSL-nya sampe lunas... abisnya ada yang bilang kalo dia belum bayar GTSL-nya samasekali tapi udah boleh insersi... siapa ya?!?


AAAAAAGHHH!!! Why can't I have that bloody Little Voice dvd?? Why, Lord, WHY?!? (---> Kaga nyambung, I know. But who cares? My blog, my rules.)


Btw, I got a question. Do you always need a reason to hate?

Because y'see, I hate someone, let's call this person B, and I already hated B since long, long time ago. And now that I decided to try to like B, I can't! I tried to find the reason why I hate B, but I couldn't find one. I don't know why I hate B, I just do.

Am I being denial? I mean, could it be? That the reason is actually there but I just, y'know, refuse to see it? Yes, I do understand that the real question is 'do I want to like B?'... but to my nightmare, my honest answer to that question would be 'No'...!! (Talk about the devil...) Is that why I avoid any reason exists?


Oh, crap. Nonton film Korea aja ah...